


And I never said "I love you"

by Vault_Emblem



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Emotional Constipation, Fire Emblem: Three Houses Blue Lions Route, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Hurt No Comfort, Inability to confess, M/M, One-Sided Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-23 02:02:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 922
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21312349
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vault_Emblem/pseuds/Vault_Emblem
Summary: The funerals are brief, simple. War is expensive and they can’t afford to waste too much time and resources for something too big.Hubert can’t shake the feeling that this isn’t how Ferdinand would want to be laid to rest.He would hate this, but after all, wouldn’t he hate being dead in the first place?
Relationships: Ferdinand von Aegir & Hubert von Vestra, Ferdinand von Aegir/Hubert von Vestra
Comments: 7
Kudos: 74





	And I never said "I love you"

**Author's Note:**

> You can also find me on tumblr [@bi-naesala](https://bi-naesala.tumblr.com) and on twitter [@vault_emblem](https://twitter.com/vault_emblem)

It is awfully nice of the Prince to allow them to retrieve the bodies of the fallen, but Hubert does not see just a simple act of humanity in this. No, it’s a warning: _you will all end up like this_.

He scoffs at this thought. They may have some casualties, but the tides of the war haven’t completely turned against them; their plan is solid and not even the advance of the Kingdom will stop them.

They’ll win. They have to… for _him_.

The funerals are brief, simple. War is expensive and they can’t afford to waste too much time and resources for something too big.

Only a few close people are allowed to attend, to give their last goodbyes to all the fallen in an austere, but still solemn in its own way, ceremony.

Hubert can’t shake the feeling that this isn’t how Ferdinand would want to be laid to rest.

Where is the extravagance? Where is the grandeur?

He would hate this, but after all, wouldn’t he hate being dead in the first place?

He waits until the graveyard’s empty to finally step closer to Ferdinand’s grave.

The stone where his name is engraved is plain, too plain for someone of Ferdinand’s calibre, but again, no wasting resources. Still, he makes a mental note to himself to give him the proper honours as he deserves; it’s the least they could do.

Despite his gloves, he still feels clearly the cold, hard surface of the tombstone. He’s barely able to suppress a shiver.

_Ferdinand von Aegir_

_Died to defend the Empire_

Hubert feels like he’s going to vomit.

He opens his mouth, then he closes it.

He repeats this cycle a couple of times before realizing that, no matter how hard he tries, no words will come out of him.

He wants to say something, anything – he owes his friend that much at least – but… he can’t. He simply can’t.

Hubert is quite familiar with death, there is no denying that, but this time, this time it still hasn’t settled over him that Ferdinand is actually dead; he always expects him to pop up somewhere, a cup of tea in hand and an invitation to join him on his lips.

It’s not something he’s ever done, getting so sentimental over the death of anyone, but Ferdinand… Ferdinand is a special case: he shined like the sun, a bright light in Hubert’s life, a light that is, now, obscured forever.

It dawns on Hubert that what he’s feeling is _regret_, regret for sending Ferdinand to what turned out to be his death, regret for involving him in this in the first place, regret… for never telling him the truth about how he felt towards him.

Not that he didn’t want to, but he never managed to find the right words: every time he set himself on doing it, words would simply abandon him, leaving him staring at Ferdinand like the fool he is.

He deserved to know the truth, but there was another factor in play: how could someone as beautiful and gallant as Ferdinand love someone like Hubert?

Hubert knows he isn’t good looking, he knows his life is permanently soaked in blood, he knows he belongs to the shadows. Nobody would ever think of him in a romantic context.

He would accept refusal from everybody else, but not Ferdinand. He… he didn’t want to hear him say how undesirable he is.

Of course there was always the hope that maybe this was all in his head, that, given how he acted, Ferdinand might’ve reciprocated his feelings, but Hubert liked to be realistic.

There was no way something like that was going to happen.

Not even now that Ferdinand is dead, Hubert can bring himself to be honest with him.

He dead, he has to remind himself, he can’t hear you, he won’t be able to reply.

And still, his lips are sealed, and despite feeling like he’s about to burst open, Hubert doesn’t voice his feelings.

\- Umpf. I still can’t say it -, he mutters, the disappointment evident in his voice.

He can’t even give this to Ferdinand, not even the truth.

He was never able to tell him how he feels when he was alive, and he’s still unable to do so now. How pathetic.

\- Well, I suppose this is goodbye… _friend_ -.

That word has a sour taste in Hubert’s mouth, but he tries to ignore it as he takes a few steps backwards, still facing the gravestone.

He finds himself not wanting to leave, but he has to: the war hasn’t stopped only because Ferdinand died, and he has duties to attend to, strategies to worry about, councils to attend.

He supposes Edelgard would be merciful enough to allow him a day of pause – and in fact he does feel like doing nothing at all, quite honestly – but then it would be hard for him not to think about this enormous loss. No, he needs a distraction.

_I love you I love you I love you I love you_

He can’t stop his treacherous thoughts, no matter how hard he tries.

This might be the closest he’s come to crying in all his life, but Hubert doesn’t shed tears: they’ve abandoned him, just as words did before.

He does manage however to promise himself to come visit at least once a day – he doesn’t want Ferdinand to feel too alone in the cemetery – and thus, Hubert finally leaves this damned place.

He feels emptier than he already did.


End file.
